Mussels: Local 188

One of the cooler dining experiences I've had recently was sitting at the counter at Local 188. On a busy Saturday night and without a reservation the wife and I had the choice of hunching over a little table in the lounge or the very cool counter overlooking the kitchen. I'm far too much of a slob to eat over my lap so we happily chose the counter which provided a great view of the well oiled machine that is the kitchen at 188.

Appetizer - Mussels $12.00 - Although not quite as great as the mussel gold standard found at Street and Co. this app at Local 188 is mighty tasty and certainly a must order. The mussels were cooked perfectly, in a clear broth that tasted strongly of garlic and apple. Everything was well balanced and the apple was a surprisingly effective counter to the richness of the butter in the dish. We had our bread refilled twice to sop up the broth and for $12 this was a satisfying start to the meal.

Main Course #1 - House Paella $21.00 - Looking for something that had a high calorie to dollar ratio, I opted for the house paella. Without a doubt this was the best paellas I have ever had. Normally with a one pot dish like this one or two of the proteins will end up being over cooked. Not so at Local 188, the saffron rice was stuffed with little neck clams, chorizo and deliciously tender chicken; this dish really hit the spot. Everything was well seasoned and the portion was very generous, worth every penny of the $21.

Main Course #2 - White Fish with Little Neck Clams $20.00 - The wife's entree was an expertly cooked piece of white fish atop a bed of bed of bitter greens, adorned with crumbled hard boiled egg, thick cut bacon and dressed in a creamy tomato-y sauce. Although I was allowed only a few cursory bites I cannot stress enough how perfectly the fish was cooked. The fillet had a light crust from the pan searing and was well seasoned.

Add on a flour-less chocolate torte for $7 and we were out the door at about $75 including tip. Although the food was great a large part of the entertainment was provided by our counter seat. A party of three or more might find the counter arrangement disruptive to the conversation flow but it is highly recommended for two. Plus you can make sure that no one is itching their balls or picking their nose while cooking your grub.

Music: Dead To Me - Moscow Penny Ante

When I was a little kid there were three bands that at various times occupied the top spot in my little heart; Pearl Jam, Rage Against the Machine and R.E.M. By the time I was finishing high school I had discarded all of these old favorites as sell outs and held up Operation Ivy as the pinnacle of music history. My conversion to punk was particularly hard on my relationship with R.E.M. All the hours I spent as a little kid jamming out to my Green or Automatic for the People tapes were dismissed as a youth misspent and reflected on with embarrassment. My dalliances with Pearl Jam and RATM were self-justified because at the very least they were still heavy as fuck, R.E.M. was just slow and boring and shitty. In the past two years as I become more and more heavily entrenched in this thing called adulthood I find that the tables have turned once again and R.E.M. is now my favorite childhood obsession to revisit. I blast Monster in my Bronco on the regular and unselfconsciously scream all the lyrics to What's the Frequency Kenneth? You may ask; "What does any of this have to do with Dead To Me's excellent new release Moscow Penny Ante?" Well, the point is I think I'm kind of over punk bands. They just don't get me excited anymore. Whereas three years I ago I would have been drooling over the prospect of a new release from The Have Nots, now I find myself yawning. I still prefer independent music but you have to bring something more to the table than three chords and a catchy chorus to keep my attention. Dead To Me is the only straight forward punk band that matters anymore, and their third release, Moscow Penny Ante brings the heat.

Despite numerous lineup changes Dead To Me have put out three full lengths and one fantastic EP in the past five years and proved that you can still hammer on a guitar at a blistering pace and not be boring or cliched. The poetry in their lyrics won't blow you over with profoundness and the choruses won't get stuck in your head all day, but there is just something fucking solid and relistenable about them.

At this point I a better writer would tie this all back in to the R.E.M. rant but I really don't have anything for you. I guess all I can say is that some music ages on us better than others and reflects back on us in different ways. While I can't guarantee that I'll ever feel the need to listen to my Rudiments or 88 Fingers Louie CDs again I do know that in 30 years I'll be able to drop the needle on my copy of Moscow Penny Ante and feel secure knowing that when I was twenty-seven I had good fucking taste in music.

9.5/10

2011 Rankings:

1) Laura Stevenson and the Cans - Sit Resist

2) BTMI! - Vacation

2) Dead To Me - Moscow Penny Ante

3) Mischief Brew - The Stone Operation

4) Lisabi - Au Diable Les Bananes

5) W/IFS - The Anarchy and the Ecstasy

Music: Bomb the Music Industry! - Vacation

If you were new to Bomb the Music Industry and spun their newest LP Vacation for the first time you would immediately deduce that Jeff Rosenstock (singer/guitarist/creative force behind BTMI!) is in his late 20's, white and generally a miserable bastard. All of these things are probably true. Further listens would reveal him to also be a genius with melodies and an accomplished song writer capable of lyrics that can at times be profoundly moving. Those of us who have followed BTMI! since it rose from the ashes of the Arrogant Sons of Bitches, see Vacation as the logical next step in the evolution of the band. Every release since Album Minus Band has moved a little farther away from the poppy/ska synth sound that characterized early BTMI! releases and Vacation shows Jeff treading more closely to the punk perspective of Elvis Costello.

Despite the cheery/optimistic title, on Vacation Jeff vacillates between dissatisfaction over the present and confusion about the future to a shaky acceptance that things could always be worse. The back to back tracks "Everybody That You Love" and "The Shit That You Hate" are a perfect illustration of the delicate balancing act attained. As Jeff chants:

"We all got sorrows so hold onto your home and your hope.

Sorrow don't answer problems. Nobody cares. We're all in trouble.

The shit that you hate don't make you special."

Vacation is a rare commodity, a punk album for adults. Being a punk doesn't have to be all about skateboarding, avoiding cops and stealing cigarettes. Being a punk at 27 is about going to work every day, staring out the window of your cubicle in a silent rage and then blasting your Clash CDs at an irresponsible volume in your car. The point is at 16 no one ever realizes that life will be a steady stream of compromised principles...but it is...and that's OK, it happens to everyone. All too often I find that BTMI! is dismissed out of hand by people of my age because Jeff's voice isn't that great or their newer releases aren't as fun as their earlier stuff. But unlike some punk bands (Big D I'm looking at you) who refuse to grow up and still write songs about being pissed at their teachers or adults not understanding, BTMI! has grown with me and just like every other album they've released Vacation will serve as a snap shot in time, reminding future me how it felt to be 27 years old and stepping angrily off the precipice, face first into adulthood; job, cubicle, Clash CDs and all.

9.5/10

2011 Rankings:

1) Laura Stevenson and the Cans - Sit Resist

2) BTMI! - Vacation

3) Mischief Brew - The Stone Operation

4) Andrew Jackson Jihad - Knife Man

5) Lisabi - Au Diable Les Bananes

6) W/IFS - The Anarchy and the Ecstasy

Mussels: Petite Jacqueline

Tempted by the prospect of some artery clogging french cuisine and a great view of the porn store in Longfellow Center, the wife and I made the trek out to Petite Jacqueline last month. It was dusk on one of those beautiful Saturday nights we enjoyed in late July/early August and we chose to eat outside. Our palettes were treated to some deliciously rich food and our eyes were delighted by the stream of hipsters and weirdos that seem to constantly occupy the spaces in and around the square.

Appetizer #1 - French Onion Soup $7 - It seemed almost obligatory that one of our app choices be this soup. We found it to be sweet and the onions were stewed to the point that they melted in your mouth. Gruyere cheese melted on top with four pieces of french bread added some savoriness to the dish. The only critique I had is it would have been nice to cut the bread a little thicker for some textural contrast as it quickly turned to mush in the hot soup. Overall it was very delicious and big enough to share.

Appetizer #2 - Escargot $9 - Nothing says "whoo look at me I'm eating at a french restaurant and am interested in appearing as daring and authentic as possible" as ordering snails. Oddly enough this is not my first go-round with these little gastropods and I have to say these were the best I had ever had. The snails were cooked until tender and smothered in a deliciously creamy sauce. Unlike the french bread in the soup, the two pieces of puff pastry stood up and added a nice textural contrast to the decadence of the sauce. I probably liked this better than the wife who seemed to be a little off put by the earthiness(strange for a sea creature) of the snails but like the soup the size was suitable for sharing.

Side - Ratatouille $6 - The wife ordered this a la carte but I ended up finishing it when her eyes proved larger than her stomach. Individually I'm not a fan of any of the vegetables featured in this dish but together they blended beautifully. Each veggie was cooked to the same level of tenderness and melded together with a tomato-y base that broke up the heaviness of both of our mains.

Main Course #1 - Quiche with pancetta and truffle oil $12 - Holy heavy cream Batman! This was the wife's choice and it was rich as fuck (fuck is rich right?) The eggs were creamy and melted away with each bite leaving the saltiness of the pancetta, the crunch of the flaky crust and the aromatics of the truffle oil. It was absolutely delicious and at $12 a great value. She ordered the ratatouille in anticipation that this wouldn't be a real entree but ended up not being able to finish either. A little side salad with a mild olive oil dressing was nice and this was another dish that I was happy to finish for her.

Main Course #2 - Steak Frites $21 - Judging from the other patrons this seemed to be the most popular main course on the menu. The fries were hand cut, thin and crispy but still tender inside. In lieu of ketchup those crazy french bastards prefer mayonnaise which was OK but maybe a little bit of overkill. I ordered the steak medium-rare and found it to be cooked perfectly, no small task for a flank cut. The meat was well seasoned and tender. My only complaint here was no steak knife, so instead of hacking it to death with a butter knife I let my teeth do the work. Not a super classy way to eat and I think I saw a meth head sitting in the park nodding in agreement at my lack of table manners. Just living the dream.

Including tip we weighed in at just over $70, a sum I was more than happy to fork over considering the level of care and expertise that went into every course. Inside the restaurant looked really busy and I would suggest reservations if you plan on visiting them during at a high traffic time.

Mussels: Ariel's Hummus

From the looks of the mob whenever I venture out of the office every aging hippy lady in the greater Portland area already knows about this delicious secret. Sold at a stand in front of Big Sky in Monument Square at the weekly farmers' market on Wednesday, Ariel's hummus is quite simply...the shit. Well that's not exactly true, the hummus is above average but the fresh made pita bread is world changing.

- Chipolte Cilantro Hummus - $3.50 - There are 3 varieties of hummus offered, the chipolte/cilantro, plain and one garnished with whole chick peas. I always gravitate towards the hot and have gone through 2 cartons of this stuff. The texture is nice and creamy with a spicy finish. The cilantro adds more to the nice greenish color than it does the taste but overall this is much better than any store bought hummus I've ever tried.

- Package of 5 Pita Breads - $5.00 - Being the uneducated gringo ( or whatever a person of Middle Eastern descent would call me) that I am, I had always associated pita bread with that scratchy, tasteless, hollow stuff found in most grocery stores. The bread turned out by Ariel and his cronies is far from that unpleasant experience. First the bread is not hollow and second it's as soft and fluffy as a pillow. They bake it so fresh that once I received it still hot in the bag. If $5 seems pricy then well... you're an idiot, please leave. One loaf of bread and a 1/3 of hummus is enough for a suitable lunch, even for a growing boy like myself.

If you're in downtown Portland during the day on Wednesday then a stop at Ariel's booth is required. This stuff is really special.

Mussels: Zapoteca

On Saturday night the wife and I ventured out to Zapoteca, occupying the space once held by Portland Pie and more recently by Siano's Pizzeria. When someone says Mexican food to me I automatically think casual, cheap and fast. Zapoteca is none of these things. Was it good? Umm, there were some good things about it but I wouldn't necessarily say I enjoyed the meal all that much. If the wife makes me wear a shirt with a collar and drop $75 I expect a lot more than we got a Zapoteca.

Appetizer - Salsa and Chips $7.00 - 3 types of salsa, one based on sweet onions and tomato chunks, a tomatillo based green one and finally a conventional pureed red tomato salsa. The last 2 were served hot which I found to be a little odd and I thought muddled the flavors some. All you could really tell was that it was hot and then spicy. The chips were out of a bag and stale. Also why the fuck am I paying $7 for chips and salsa at a Mexican restaurant? Oh that's right because I'm an idiot and enjoy letting restaurants mark me up 700%. We actually ended up going through 2 servings of chips because there was such a long wait for the main courses. The 2nd set of chips were fresher and free so that's something.

Main Course - Mole Poblano Chicken Enchiladas $16 - I'm a sucker for a good mole. It satisfies some long ignored taste buds at the back of my tongue and when I see it on a menu it's hard for me to pass. Zapoteca's came on top of 3 flour tortilla chicken enchiladas with a side of refried beans. The mole itself was very nice, hitting some complex chocolate notes and finishing spicy. The refried beans had a great texture and added some much needed saltiness to counteract the sweetness of the mole. The chicken inside the enchilada's was a little dry but still serviceable. I appreciated the complete lack of cheese inside the enchiladas as it allowed the mole to stand out. Overall not the best one I've ever had but still good.

Main Course - Carnitas $21 or $22 - The wife's course came with refried beans, some sort of pickled pink veg, a couple slices of avacado and 3 flour tortillas. At the outset I would like to say, I love salty food. Whenever I crave something it's salt, never sweets. It's hard to out-salt me. That being said the salt on the pork in this dish was so aggressive it actually hurt. As I sit here typing this I am running my tongue over the canker sores that opened up inside my mouth. Every bite felt like I was eating an entire bag of Ruffles potato chips. The wife tried valiantly but could only eat half of it leaving me to choke down the rest. At $20+ there was no way I was leaving any protein on the plate no matter how unappetizing it may have been.

Dessert - Banana Bread Pudding $7.00 - Dessert became necessary after the carnitas, as both of our palettes needed a little relief from the relentless salt beatings they took. Fortunately it turned into the highlight of the meal and probably the only thing we had that was priced appropriately. The bread was soft and just sweet enough with a layer of banana pudding. A shot of tequila poured over the top was aggressive but added some interest and enhanced the aromatic elements of the dish.

Zapoteca was OK but did not offer anything markedly better than a $10 dish you can get at any other number of Mexican restaurants in the greater Portland area. Also it may just have been me and this may be nitpicky but I felt like the tables were 1-2" too low and I had to hunch over my plate to eat. With the competition for the food dollar in Portland so brutal it's hard to imagine that we'll be headed back any time soon.

Musings: Arby's thinks your life is miserable and you are pathetic

I have been fascinated by Arby's new marketing campaign, "Good Mood Food." "It's goood, mooood, fooood." Sometime this winter some PR genius decided that the best way to sell crappy roast beef and curly fries was to have a "Can you hear me now" Verizon-guy-knock-off convince people that their lives are absolute shit and the only way to bring a little sunshine into an otherwise bleak existence is by killing the voices in their heads with empty calories. Every time one of these disasters prances arrogantly across my television screen I have to sit and watch it in absolute stunned silence.

"What can't a tortoise be in a good mood?" No it can't you ass clown, shut the fuck up. If a tortoise ate one of those greasy ass sandwiches it would probably keel over and die. What, oh I'm missing the point? Fuck you there is no point. Never in my life have I seen a company so blatantly pull back the curtain with an advertising slogan and say "listen drugs aren't legal, but you know what is? Sodium and if you eat this sandwich you'll get enough of it to get you high enough to at least get through the rest of your day."

Can't they at least pretend like the people who eat at Arby's on a consistent basis don't already want to kill themselves? Good Mood Food sounds like the last resort of a dying brand. "OK, we've tried telling people about healthy options, they didn't like that. We tried to emphasize the quality of our food, they saw right through it. The only thing left is to emphasize that life is short and hard but eating irresponsibly will dull the pain." My only hope is that the actor paid to star in these abominations is so forever tainted by the Arby's stink that he'll never be allowed to earn a living another way. The whole thing is almost enough to get me to stop watching TV, almost.

Mussels: Deux Cochon

Hungry for a quick bite before some reading and lounging in the East End this Saturday, the wife and I stopped in to the newly established Deux Cochon above Big Sky Bread Company in Monument Square. Lured in by the promise of barbecue and slow southern cooking on a strategically placed sandwich board outside, we climbed the stairs and found Deux Cochon to be a little booth occupying the space formerly inhabited by the apparently defunct and enthusiastically named Peanut Butter, Jelly Time(!). I have only been to the restaurants above Big Sky a handful of times and then only for the delicious individual pizzas at Pie in the Sky. But I remember seeing PBJT and I may be wrong but it looked like the same guy who ran that has rebranded and is now running Deux Cochon. The menu was somewhat limited, 3-4 different sandwiches, a ribs plate and some smaller appetizers, boiled peanuts (umm no thanks) and pickles. Appetizers were $3-$4 and all of the entrees (so to speak) were $6-$7. I opted for the old stand bye, pulled pork while the wife went to the specials board for the "chicken relish sandwich" or some similar combination of words that don't belong together.

Pulled Pork Sandwich - $6.00 - Born and bred in the Northeast I think it would certainly be fair to classify myself as a barbecue novice. To me a barbecue is grilling the shit out of meat over an open flame, barbecue sauce is ketchup based and made cheaply by some guy who refers to himself as Sweet Baby Ray. I had heard rumors about other parts of the country smoking large cuts of meat for hours over indirect heat and using a vinegar based sauce but it was something that I had really only experienced vicariously on TV. In fact as far as food porn goes the thought of a vinegar based barbecue sauce had always left me somewhat flaccid. Much to my surprise a little booth in an old PB&J stand provided my first taste of "real" barbecue. The pork was tender and cautiously basted in a very delicious vinegar sauce that provided a nice counterbalance to the richness of the meat without overpowering it. More BBQ sauce was offered but I felt the sandwich was dressed appropriately. The bread was a regular hamburger bun slathered in butter and toasted on a skillet. That green thing in the skewer is pickled okra which the owner asked me "not to be afraid of." I wasn't and it was OK.

Pulled Chicken Sandwich - $6.50 - The wife's option, chicken relish or something like that, turned out to be a rather ordinary pulled chicken sandwich. The chicken had a little bit of a smokey overture and was adorned with some mild house pickles atop the same buttered hamburger bun. The chicken did not have much of anything in terms of sauce but was tasty nonetheless.The best part of her choice was the generous shards of skin left in among the very moist white meat. I was only allowed one cursory bite of her sandwich but she was satisfied with it and I happily collected the discarded scraps of chicken skin left on the plate.

The owner (I swear it's the same guy who I always saw at PBJT) was very nice and seemed genuinely concerned with whether or not we enjoyed the meal. The return of 2 very clean plates seemed to speak for itself. The only complaint I have is $6 and $6.50 is a pretty steep price for 2 sandwiches. Neither of us found the sandwiches to be overstuffed with meat and at that price it would have been nice to have a little something besides the okra on the side. If we go again I'll have to loosen up the purse strings and get some biscuits and gravy on the side. Boiled peanuts? Umm, fuck no.

Mussels: The District

In the mood for something new last Friday, the wife and I ventured out to the District on Danforth Street just west of the Old Port. Walking in my spider sense immediately started tingling, trying to warn me I had just entered a douchy bar. The signs were everywhere; cold (some would say sleek) color scheme, empty walls, 80% of the staff had unnecessary tattoos and a couple of ridiculously dressed (ahem) ladies bellied up to the bar. We took our place at the high tops next to the (ahem) ladies and hoped for the best while preparing for the worst. The menu seemed to be typical bar fare with a heavier emphasis on seafood. I must say upfront that although I wasn't impressed by my surroundings, once I started shoving food down my throat the mood quickly lightened.

Starter - Maine Crab Meat Fritters $9.00 - There were 5 of these things when the plate was dropped off but 2 were gone before I could get my phone out my pocket. They were a little light on the crab, but they were still fried crispy on the outside and gooey on the inside, i.e. fucking delicious. Probably not worth $1.80 a fritter and I wouldn't get them again but a good start none-the-less. That red stuff is ketchup, the white is tartar sauce, neither was notable or necessary.

Wife's Meal - Bacon Cheeseburger with Fries $12.00 - Yeah, sure it's a just a burger and fries. But damnit there is something to be said for ordering meat medium rare and getting it medium fucking rare. This thing was large, bloody, and delicious just the way a burger should be. Most of the fries ended up in my stomach which was ideal as they were hand cut with great texture and just the right amount of salt.

My Meal - Roasted and Fried Chicken with Grits, Greens and Gravy $17.00 - Holy shit. This was amazing. The plate had two cuts of chicken, one fried, one roasted, delicately placed atop a bed of spicy grits, gravy and collard greens. The fried chicken cutlet was by far the worst component. It seemed to shrink a little inside the buttermilk shell and was there mostly as a vehicle for delivering more of the grits and gravy to my mouth. The roasted thigh however was transcendent, oh man, the skin was salty and delightfully crispy, the white meat was thick but still incredibly juicy. Words do not do justice to just how delicious that piece of meat was. If you go to the District it is an absolute must order. The grits and gravy were smooth and surprisingly spicy but not over powering. The collard greens were handled well and added some nice subtle bitterness to the dish. But holy crap the roasted chicken, it's all about the chicken.

Including a drink for the wife our tab came to just over $50 plus tip. All in all I think I would go back to the District, however I would just end up ordering the same damn thing. It would probably be better if they offered take out. But then I fear I would go all the time and end up eating that chicken with my hands while crouching over the to-go container in some dark, wet alley, with a crazed look in my eyes... It's probably for the best that I just never go back there.

Music: Laura Stevenson and the Cans - Sit Resist

Ever since I heard "Landslide Song/The Dig" on 2008's A Record I have been eagerly, breathlessly, slobberingly (?) awaiting a proper album from Laura Stevenson. In the interim 2.5 years she has teased me with a handful of delightfully tight, catchy songs spread across various E.P.s, splits and demoes. But nothing could have prepared me the sonic meal my eardrums were treated to when I finally had a chance to spin Sit Resist. Lacking any real recording quality A Record was nice but more of a demo than anything. LSatC's sophomore effort however is the shit . . . the fucking shit. The songs range from pop to ska to bluegrass all the while maintaining a cohesion united by Laura's bright voice and dark stories.

If this album was on a major label and subject to radio play, I suppose the first single would be "Master of Art." A song which showcases LSatC's ability to start hauntingly slow and build to a powerful crescendo that will leave you unconsciously tapping your feet and banging your head like Wayne and Garth.

And while that song is undoubtedly great I prefer the darker "The Heathly One" where LSatCs hide a bleak tale of a family's impending doom beneath a bright, poppy beat. On it Laura repeatedly croons:

-You will live long

You will bury them all in the ground

And your body will grow,

You will bury them all . . . It hurts to be the healthy one -

That chilling refrain is indicative of what truly separates and elevates Sit Resist into greatness; a lyrical darkness that adds substance to an aggressive and often fun musical accompaniment. Sit Resist is extremely re-listenable and you'll continue to mine previously undiscovered nuggets on the 10th - 20th - 30th listen. I got the MP3's when I pre-ordered the vinyl 3 weeks ago and ever since it has maintained a Million Dollar Man like choke hold on my iPod, laptop and now with the arrival of the full package, my turntable.

The best thing I can say about Sit Resist is that Laura resisted the urge to make something sweet, something easy. Despite her enchanting voice, this isn't baby-making music, there is nothing happy or nice in Laura's world. The songwriting acts as sandpaper to the music's more refined edges, roughing it up and taking the entire album to a dark place, where loneliness is the rule and there is no escape. I've listened to this album so obsessively for the past 3 weeks that my wife has at times found herself questioning my commitment to our marriage.

15 minutes ago:

Wife - "What're you writing about?"

Me - "Laura Stevenson"

Wife - "Oh great. Should I be worried."

Me - "Why is she touring Portland?"

But fear not Wifey, Laura isn't the type of woman you would want to settle down with. She clearly writes from a lonely place where fucked up demons and gargoyles lurk in the shadows, a place where selfishly, I hope she stays.

10/10

Updated world rankings for 2011:

1) Sit Resist

2) Au Diable Les Bananes

3) The Anarchy and the Ecstasy

Mussels: Po'Boys and Pickles

Let me preface this post by saying I've been to Po'Boys and Pickles a lot and as a result this is probably going to be less of a review and more of an unabashed love letter. I love this restaurant like a mother bear loves her cubs and am fiercely protective of it in the same way. Two weeks ago I was discussing my Friday night plans with a friend we'll call Roy. I mentioned that I planned on plopping my ass down at Po'Boys for an hour or so and scarfing down some delicious grub. His response was something along of the lines of "Oh that place on Forest Ave? Yeah it's OK, kind of expensive..." When I originally broached the subject I was expecting Roy to fall all over himself expressing his adoration for their blackened fish sandwich or their gravy fries or their milkshakes. In my vision we would triumphantly agree, hold hands and skip down the street together singing the praises of our culinary masters for all to hear. Instead his callous dismissal of something I hold so dear has been festering in my gut for half a month, if I had had a match and some gasoline I would have set him alight as penance for his shameful palate and thrifty ways. Then I would have warmed my hands on this burning corpse and invited all to gather round, witness the spectacle and delight in my tale of the time I ate a large dirty bird po'boy, a cup of red beans and rice and a side order of fried pickles in one sitting. This post is off to a great start, isn't it? On to the food!

Starter - Sweet Potato Fries - $3.00

A classic. I consider myself something of a sweet potato fry aficionado and I am bound to order them in lieu of their unsweetened bretheren at any restaurant that offers. Although probably not the best sweet potato fry I have ever had, Po'Boy's are nice and crispy and salty, not overly dense or starchy. Ketchup and New Orleans style hot sauce provided on every table add a little interest.

Amuse Bouche - Biscuits - $.65 or something ridiculous

Those in the know at Po'Boys understand that no order is complete with out a biscuit. They come out hot, buttery, flakey and delicious. And for a scant $.65 the biscuits are a truly essential addition to any meal at P'BaP. I mean that's only like 450 calories/cent, economy be damned we're eating large tonight! Did I mention how buttery they are? I did? Good, they're very buttery.

Main Course #1 - Debris Salad - $7.50

This is a favorite of the little lady, because as the term indicates she's daintier than I and enjoys things like salads. But this isn't just any salad; this a a pile of lettuce, cucumber and carrots struggling valiantly to maintain some of their vegetable dignity under the meaty weight of the almighty debris. The aptly named debris is a mix of meat scraps and juices that are softly stewed together until they become one delicious symphony of dead animal flavor. To call this dish a salad would be to give vegetarians all over the world the heart attack they so rightly deserve. This is no salad, this is a balanced meal, complete with all of the important food groups: meat soaked vegetables, meat soaked meat and ranch dressing. Satisfying indeed.

Main Course #2 - Fried Shrimp Po'Boy - Large: $11.00, Small: $6.50

Quite probably the nicest thing you could do to a shrimp would be to catch it in a large net with its entire family, slice their heads off as they suffocate, toss them in some batter and allow the magicians at P'BaP to lightly fry and serve them simply between 2 halves of soft, crusty french bread with a dab of mayo, some tomato slices and shredded lettuce. This sandwich sounds easy, it sounds like something you've had before at a million different joints. But you probably haven't had it done quite as well as the fellows at P'BaP are serving it up. Everything is perfectly proportional; the batter isn't overwhelmingly thick but it provides a great crunch and doesn't slough off the critters after a bite. Also as is unfortunately rare with fried food, the kitchen at P'BaP always takes the time to properly season everything before sending it out. The servings are huge and they overload the sandwiches with shrimp, so when you pick up the bread don't feel bad about all the crustaceans jumping back onto the plate, they'll still be plenty left between the bread and picking off the survivors once the sandwich is gone completes the experience.

Despite Roy's criticism in regards to the price we came in a little over $30 including a pop for me and a glass of wine for the wife, scientifically proving that Roy is an ass. One final note, remember to bring a few bucks cash for the jar as they're nice enough to bring the food to your table and their credit card machine doesn't let you write in a tip.

Mussels: Fleur De Lys San Francisco

Ahh San Francisco, so hilly, so rainy, so full of good food, but seriously so fucking hilly. In between struggling up inclines that would give most black diamonds an inferiority complex and dodging legions of super aggressive panhandlers, the wife and I had a chance to dine at Hubert Keller's Fleur De Lys. 4 courses, $80+/person, here we go.

Amuse Bouche: A very earthy quinoa and cold gazpacho with a savory whipped cream topping.

Nothing spectacular here, but an OK start to the meal. I could have done without the heavy cream on top of the gazpacho, but the gazpacho itself was very smooth and flavorful. Certainly nothing I haven't had before but it started the meal off nicely.

Course #1: Vegetable Ragout w/ egg, truffles and port wine sauce.

Out of the 8 different appetizer options I picked this off the menu to start because as Anthony Bourdain would say "I'm a total egg slut." It may be tough to tell in the picture but that's a perfectly poached egg nestled into the debris of legumes. I split the sum bitch open and let the runny yolk wrestle the nicely cooked vegetables into submission. Overall this dish left me wanting more, more egg, more salt, more egg. Although the veggies were cooked expertly I felt this dish fell a little flat, especially once the delicious yellowy goodness of the yolk had been sopped up. A few pinches of sea salt were provided separately on a butter dish but at $80/meal I felt I shouldn't have to re-season my food.

Course #2: Wild Jumbo Prawn w/ Brioche Crust.

Those big wads of deliciousness sitting ever so innocently next to that big ol' shrimp is pork mother-fucking belly. There are basically 4 ingredients in this dish, butter, shrimp, beans, and pork belly. You could add fatty bacon (and butter!) to a shoe and I would shovel it down the gullet, smile and beg for seconds. The only thing wrong with this dish is that it wasn't part of some wonderful "all you can eat buffet in heaven." Whomever said "you should always leave them wanting more" is an asshole, I needed about 50 of these.

Course #3: Roasted Venison Chop with chorizo, bok choy in a red wine reduction.

Hailing from Maine, I felt it was my obligation to pass on the more glamourous lamb, duck and filet mignon options in favor of a little Bambi for my meat course. Although the chorizo tried valiantly to elevate this dish into something special, the cut of meat itself suffered from a lack of basic salt and pepper. The chop was cooked appropriately, a nice medium rare, but I find that venison is such a lean meat that it needs to be seasoned more vigorously to make up for the lack of fat(flavor.) This course was OK but not exactly what I was expecting from a restaurant of this stature.

Dessert Course: Dark Chocolate Espresso Mousse.

After a disappointing meat course I was completely blown away by finish of the meal. 3 different components, the mousse, a truffle with fried coconut on the outside and chocolate meringue provided a deliciously sweet end to what I felt was ultimately a disappointing experience. The truffle melted in my mouth and the mousse was balanced nicely by the white chocolate pieces that adorned the top.

Beyond the food I was also disappointed in the atmosphere created at Fleur de Lys. I found it almost oppressively dark and heavy with the walls and ceiling all covered with heavy drapery. One large chandelier in the middle of the small and full dining room provided the majority of the light. Although I was left non-plussed by the food the wife and I both found the service to be attentive, knowledgeable and friendly. We encountered no snobbish curtness that one could imagine at a joint this classy and no one seemed to mind the idiot(me,) sitting in the back taking pictures of his food on his iphone. Instead we were impressed by the relaxed tone and quick drink/bread refills from the entire staff. On a different night with some different menu choices I could imagine the experience living up to the expensive price tag and staggering reputation of it's head chef. But overall my experience left me hungrier and poorer than I really had a right to be. I don't suffer delicate food well and the calories consumed Fleur De Lys were quickly burned off with the 2 blocks of the vertical climb back to my hotel room.

Musings: Triathlons or why you need to find a real sport before I run you over with my car

As the weather warms middle aged, pudgy white men and women in affluent suburbs across America are emerging from their winter slumber. Soon they will be taking to our roads and our beaches with an entirely misplaced notion of their own importance and athletic prowess. Monday morning office conversations everywhere will be dominated by Bob in accounting who wants you to know that he set a personal best in his 10K bike ride this weekend and is really stoked about the fun run he and the neighbors have planned for next Sunday. No one gives a shit Bob, shut up. Seriously. Shut up. Few practices publicly stamp one as an asshole surer than self identification as a tri-athlete. Are baseball games played in public parks? Are basketball games played in mall parking lots? No, of course not, that would be annoying and inconvenient to the public at large. Why then do we tolerate hundreds of out of shape white collar drones trudging and panting along our thoroughfares from Spring to Fall? We shouldn't. We won't. We can't. To this end I've put together a list of proactive steps you can take to rid your town of these menaces.

1) Go to your most local mall and buy every piece of spandex available at you the sporting goods store. God, forbid one of these hippopotami run in a sensible pair of shorts and a t-shirt. Nope, they need to show off the floppy physiques that only a winter full of lethargy and red wine could sculpt.

2) Install a high powered air horn in your car or truck. Then next time you come across a pod of porpoises huffing along in the middle of the street while blatantly ignoring a side walk, you can inch up behind them, lay on the horn and push their cheese clogged hearts into immediate coronary failure.

3) If you're unlucky enough to find that this menace will soon be advancing upon your own neighborhood, set out of the night before the "race" and line the street and fence in front of your house with flyers for your local food co-op/farmer's market. They'll be distracted like a bird by a shiny object. Bring out some white wine and they'll quickly become demotivated and disperse.

This summer when you're driving to the beach and your ride is delayed by 500 panting sloths in visors with grease penned numbers running down their doughy arms you don't have to sit back and take it. Unite and fight America! We are in control of our own destinies and it's time we took our streets back.

Music: Lisabi - Au Diable Les Bananes

Things that are free are fucking awesome. Things that are free and loud are fucking awesomer. Au Diable Les Bananes is definitely awesomer (click on the link for the band's free download.) Lisabi is Brazil's answer to circa "Album Minus Band" Bomb the Music Industry. Their new album grabs you by the balls and swings you about its head like a knight brandishing a mace. "But Jesse," you say, "I am a female and that analogy confuses me, is there another way to describe how much you like this piece of music?" No there isn't, only balls. Seriously stop reading this nonsense and go download that shit! You don't even have to deal with any messy Portuguese!

Before Lisabi I only knew 3 things about Brazil:

- They're quite skilled at soccer.

- If you're an American tourist you may get kidnapped and held for ransom.

- Their barbecues are ridiculous.

But after listening to "Au Diable Les Bananes" the list has grown to four bullet points! :

- The country contains at least one band that doesn't suck.

My knowledge has expanded by 25%! Rejoice! Exclamation points!!!!

8.9/10

Musings: An ode to the ice bump at the end of my driveway

Tyrant of the driveway, constant reminder of my inadequate shovel

You laughed at salt, guffawed at my labor and grew more obese with each storm

Now as Winter turns to Spring; the days longer and the weather warm

It is your slow death at which I marvel

Where once you stood tall and fat

Now, all find you are inadequate

Die, Die, Die.

Music: The World/Inferno Friendship Society - The Anarchy and the Ecstasy

Few things in life help a shitty day like coming home and finding that familiar rectangular card board box lying in wait for you on the porch. A new record! Tear it open, quickly discard the riffraff and drop the needle onto that sweet yet subtly grooved piece of vinyl. Jack up the volume, ignore the feedback from the receiver and wait for the needle to find traction with that magical friction. What follows next is a wall of sound so loud, so dense and so magnificent that the stresses of the day melt into the crazed delirium of pure sonic energy; the walls shake, the dog hides, the neighbors swear and you relax . . .

Or you could find The Anarchy and the Ecstasy, the latest offering from The World/Inferno Friendship Society(WIFS) spinning feebly on your turn table as you fumble helplessly for some magical knob that will turn up the intensity on the recording and save you from a further humiliating confrontations with your bleak reality.

For the uninitiated WIFS is a loose collection of musicians based in NYC and centered around Jack Terricloth. Baroque-punk is the most common term used to describe their musical output (think the Clash meet the NY Philharmonic.) At their best they sound like a piano being beaten to death by an electric guitar as the drums watch in horror. At their worst they are in a word . . . boring. Anyone who has heard Me v. The Angry Mob can attest that the potential of this "band" is worth sitting through 5 songs a record that sound like chamber music. The Ecstasy and the Agony however doesn't have a track or even a moment that reaches the manic energy of WIFS at their best. Terricloth's verses are his normal fare, bleak stories of sorrow and violence that transport the listener/reader to the shadows of some gritty city street where the dredges of society lurk and eye you from the shadows.

"So, take it on the chin, shut up and sing. Like the veins in my arms, like the tattoos on your skin. One nights upon night, blank cassettes and cigarettes. Like lilacs off the tongue, this was supposed to be fun." - The Politics of Passing Out -

But the backing on The Agony and the Ecstasy brings the whole experience down. It isn't bad, it's is a fun listen, but there is no track that reaches the level of manic energy that is WIFS at their best. The record sort of meanders along on it's own path and time with no clear destination or urgency. The lyrics speak of desperation and violence but the accompaniment is lukewarm at best. A little bit more aggression, a lot bit louder and we could have a classic. Instead WIFS is content to fly over the world created by Terricloth when were you really want to be is lying face first on the street as some large fellow with an electric guitar and villainous glint in his eye kicks your teeth back down your throat. As Terricloth chants on Canonize Philip K Dick, OK:

"You can't change the system from within, the system changes you and that should make you panic."

A little panic would have gone a long way towards making this record stand out like Red Eyed Soul, instead it seems destined for a few weeks in the rotation and then relegation as an afterthought in the back of the collection.

Bonus - Download card ready to go. Sticker of the album art. Full lyrics in the liner notes!

6.9/10