I have been fascinated by Arby's new marketing campaign, "Good Mood Food." "It's goood, mooood, fooood." Sometime this winter some PR genius decided that the best way to sell crappy roast beef and curly fries was to have a "Can you hear me now" Verizon-guy-knock-off convince people that their lives are absolute shit and the only way to bring a little sunshine into an otherwise bleak existence is by killing the voices in their heads with empty calories. Every time one of these disasters prances arrogantly across my television screen I have to sit and watch it in absolute stunned silence."What can't a tortoise be in a good mood?" No it can't you ass clown, shut the fuck up. If a tortoise ate one of those greasy ass sandwiches it would probably keel over and die. What, oh I'm missing the point? Fuck you there is no point. Never in my life have I seen a company so blatantly pull back the curtain with an advertising slogan and say "listen drugs aren't legal, but you know what is? Sodium and if you eat this sandwich you'll get enough of it to get you high enough to at least get through the rest of your day."
Can't they at least pretend like the people who eat at Arby's on a consistent basis don't already want to kill themselves? Good Mood Food sounds like the last resort of a dying brand. "OK, we've tried telling people about healthy options, they didn't like that. We tried to emphasize the quality of our food, they saw right through it. The only thing left is to emphasize that life is short and hard but eating irresponsibly will dull the pain." My only hope is that the actor paid to star in these abominations is so forever tainted by the Arby's stink that he'll never be allowed to earn a living another way. The whole thing is almost enough to get me to stop watching TV, almost.
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